|January 2013, Boreen Point|
Tonight I realised that it had become more than an exercise in being silent. It's more than trying not to overshadow Ryan's experience.
I don't feel I deserve to be there.
|Gold Coast, February 2013|
I haven't paid for the class and so I don't deserve to smile and laugh and feel the community the way the others do.
Not only is this silly, it is something that I feel often in other areas of my life as well.
I don't deserve to take part in a community unless I have either paid for it or done something to contribute towards it, like volunteering for a school function.
I'm not good enough unless I keep up my continuing veterinary education. And grow spiritually. And write regularly. And exercise.
I've had miserable allergies for the last three weeks and have only been to the gym sporadically. If I am not up at 5 AM lifting weights or cycling or stepping or running, if I don't feel pain the rest of the day, if I am not working myself to the absolute point of exhaustion, then I don't feel I am working hard enough.
Then I am not worthy to feel good about myself. I work this hard to feel good about myself.
The problem is - thanks little spiritual book - that 'your achievements are not sustainable.' I can run 7 to 8 kms in 45 minutes all of February but stop for three weeks in March and pretty much be right back to the beginning. If I stop writing, it regresses.
If I stop yoga and eating well I may end up depressed again.
The problem with achieving to feel good about yourself is that you are only as good as your last achievement. And they are fleeting.
Without my achievements, I am too fat, too lazy, too dirty, too unorganised, too ugly and too tired. These just roll off the top of my head.
I am too too many things.
|Dicky Beach, March 2013|
At least though, I have gotten to the point in my life where the things I am doing too much of are things I enjoy. I enjoy running and lifting weights and yoga and eating well. I enjoy writing. And I enjoy my veterinary reading.
It's about finding a balance, perhaps doing it in moderation, cutting myself some slack. Especially since I have to do them all before the kids wake up or after they are in bed. Especially since my day job involves homeschooling a teenager with ASD, watching a toddler, and then ferrying three active school age boys to afternoon sports activities.
I'm running on empty.
Maybe someday I can like myself enough to do the things I love in moderation.
Because that would be an achievement that is sustainable!!!