I've only even considered the term for Ryan since November and myself since December.
The biggest help I've had is from friends with children also on the spectrum. When I tell them my concerns, or cry over the major dramas, they tell me that their children do similar things, that they have similar issues, that those are the classic signs and concerns of autism.
Oh.
Both of us are just so high-functioning that it's easy to dismiss it as personality quirks, or being stubborn, or just plain adolescence. Or depression.
"You, of all people, Christine, cannot have Asperger's," most people tell me. (Except for the ones who also have it or have a child with it, in which case they saw me coming from a mile away!)
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| December 29, 2012 in Brisbane |
The thing is, you people exhaust me.
I have spent a lifetime mimicking societal expectations - and for the most part doing it quite well.
But I've never understood especially female interactions.
"When I think back on all the crap I learned in highschool, it's a wonder I can think at all."
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| Ian's World |
Except it doesn't end at highschool.
Why don't people say what they mean? And what they think?
Why do they say one thing, like for example, oh we love going to the beach and spending all day in the water, and then come with us to the beach and spend the whole time complaining about the sun and sand? And that the waves are too high? Or whatever.
Why not just say you don't like the beach?
And why get mad when I am finally honest and say I hate shopping and hate to be indoors and no, don't count on me to be there for an indoor activity on a sunny day in southeast Queensland? Look, I spent enough forced time indoors in Europe to last me my lifetime. I did not come to Queensland to hang out at the mall.
Which isn't saying you can't. Or shouldn't.
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| Ryan's World, only meters away |
And why tell me that I was totally right to ask who I wanted to the highschool senior prom and then turn around and tell everyone else - not aware I was within hearing range - that I deserved all the animosity the guy I didn't give a chance to ask me was dishing out at me.
It appears to me that most of the women's interactions I see around me mimic highschool even now.
And I don't get them.
Why waste all that time and energy being disingenuous?
Or is everyone just lying to themselves?
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| Ian meet Ryan's world! |
I spent hours on the phone every night in highschool in the thick of the turmoil and drama. And I was so good at it. So good.
Maybe people get mad because I fit in so well and then just decide it isn't worth it anymore and give up. I tire of some social milieus very quickly.
Maybe I'm the one who is lying by pretending to be like everyone else.
I'm pretty certain I do have some degree of ASD traits because social interactions exhaust me.
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| December 31, 2012 at White Water World, Gold Coast |
What a relief to finally admit I would rather be at home with my family, that I would rather be writing or running or doing yoga.
What a relief to be able to allow myself to be comfortable with who I really am, instead of who I always thought I should be for everyone else.
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