Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Repeating Highschool

We were on our way to Ollie's baptism on Sunday when Damon popped the question.

"If you could change anything about your past, what would it be?"

Damon's just received his FBI clearance, after four months of waiting, and is practicing interview questions.

"It's a trick question," he told me.

But I was already thinking, seriously thinking about what I would change, if given the chance.

1. Vet school? Nah. I needed that.
2. Coming to Germany? Nah. That's part of who I am.
3. The three miscarriages? Well, yeah, it would have been nice NOT to have had to deal with those, but, then again....they've also led me on the road to where I am now.
4. The finance crisis of 2009? Eh. True, if Damon had been earning then what he is earning NOW, we wouldn't have considered leaving Germany. But then again, if Damon had been earning then what he is earning now, we wouldn't have considered leaving Germany.

Every choice I've made has led me to where I am now.

And I'm pretty okay with that.

I'm going to miss some friends. New ones that I am just connecting to. Old ones that I am reconnecting to. People that are good for me - and that have helped me become the person that I am. I am me again. Thank you.

Funny enough, some of those people - the very people who have stood by me during the darkest times, the people who saw me through a nervous breakdown and called me daily to see how I was, the people who supported me and grieved with me through my miscarriages and who stuck with me through my depression, when I didn't even know who I was anymore....well, some of them don't seem to like the person I've become.

And that's okay too.

I am a better person because they were there for me in the past.

That's enough to be grateful for.

Sometimes it seems to me that highschool keeps repeating itself. The venue changes, but not the content. The best part about it is - besides the fact that I'm LEGALLY AND MORALLY ALLOWED to be doing the things I was doing then anyway - that I get to change who I am, and how I respond, everytime the highschool scenario repeats itself.

I didn't think people understood me in highschool either.

But at least this time around I understand myself.

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