Saturday, August 11, 2012

Row, Row, Row Your Boat....Leaving Lawnton

For twenty months, since we've been here,  I've been looking at P and C meetings as a way to be involved in my childrens' education, as a way to be active in the school, and a way to be part of a larger community trying to improve outcomes for its children.  That plus some fun social time involved in community activities.

After Germany, I felt I should take advantage of the fact that we have a right to be involved in our childrens' education here and are actively encouraged to become a part of it as parents.

I've left every meeting except for two thinking reminding myself of the Peace Corps mantra of not getting involved in fixing a problem until you learn the needs of the local community better and trying to take it as a personal growth experience .

"It's not about me."

"Don't take it personally."

"They've all known eachother longer than you have."

"The school was fine before you came and will be fine when you leave."

"They don't need you."

The thing about prayer is that you have to listen to your gut instincts as answers and I obviously DON'T LISTEN.  I kept going back even though I left miserable almost every time.

Sometimes it IS about you, it IS personal, and that feeling you have that you don't belong there is just one you choose to ignore because you are afraid you have nowhere else to go.

The school WAS fine before I came and WILL BE fine after I leave.  Well, it was what it was and will be what it is, anyway.  It will serve its purpose for those who need it.

In any case, not only do they not need me, this is not my battle to fight. 

The P and C - and the school - came into my life at the point it was meant to, has helped my family all they can, and has helped me in my quest to remember who I am, what I stand for, what I believe and where and who I want to be.

I don't belong here. 

I am so glad I couldn't see that twenty months ago.  Perhaps because I DID belong here then.

We were so broken.

And this school, and this community, picked us up, accepted us, welcomed us, embraced us even.  The school administrators and the P and C were my first friends.  They helped us through our first Christmas, when all we had was a roof over our heads and some mattresses on the floor.

We were so broken.

And they were the rock we clung to.

Clinging to that rock gave me the time to heal myself, the time to not be broken anymore.

Now that we are healed, it is time for us to move on.  While I feel like I am betraying the very people who helped us when we needed it most, it is my hope that, as educators, they will understand that they have done their job well.  They have given us the tools to move on.

I am so tired of rowing against the current.  I've put down my oars.  (This is the whole detachment and acceptance thing!)

I was exactly where I was meant to be twenty months ago.  The river brought me here.

And now, as the current of my life pushes me onward, rowing against it, fighting change, isn't going to help anyone.

I have to let go of the rock and let the current bring me to where I'm meant to go next.


  1. Beautifully wise.

    I'm coming to learn the same thing, to float on the river of my days, and not force the current to go where I think I would do better.

    But to float on this current.

    Really beautiful.

  2. Thank you. I don't think I have EVER been called beautifully wise before! But I'll take it...