Sunday, July 20, 2014

But the cold DOES bother me!

So yeah.  About that letting go.

I AM getting enough hints from the universe. 

Did Disney REALLY have to get in on the act?!

"Let it go.  Let it go."

"The cold didn't bother me anyway."

The difference being...oh shit...there ISN'T any difference.  Am I as transparent as a two dimensional Disney princess? 

The cold DOES bother me.  But MY THING doesn't: being a free spirit, sitting home and reading, writing, researching, learning, growing, accepting, learning to sew gypsy outfits, learning about gypsies, dancing, learning about gardening, horses, riding, working out, yoga, grit classes, running, breathing, making healthy foods, picking up shells and rocks and putting them all over the house, gathering cool looking pieces of wood off of the beach, advocating for education and Asperger's, empowering others to achieve their goals, working with others to achieve common goals, leading through example not through rules, learning that everything I discover in my quest for self growth has already been stated in the Tao.  Oh.  Ohm.

The thing is that I can't let go entirely because I have one - five - things that the Disney princess does not.  Children. 

I would LOVE to see her find her prince and raise five kids and still find the time to do ice sculptures.  This Disney princess's secret was NOT finding a prince!!!

I enter the cold every day: for school activities and pickup, for baby time music and gym circles, for soccer practise and dance studio, for fundraising and committees and helping out at the school, the soccer, the dance. 

This isn't me. 

This is what I hated as a kid: school.  And what I continue to hate every day that I have to do it.  I hate conforming to the schedule of modern day society.  I hate it.  I will never be comfortable with it.  And I can't wait until I can model my own life.

I throw myself into it and I FORCE myself to do it because first, as a child, it was what society expected and now, as a mother, it IS what is best for my non-Aspie children.

And I am good at it, at faking it, at making it look easy.  I am in the thick of it.  I look happy.  (This is a common female Aspie trait, mimicking and becoming what is expected of you.  Being German certainly didn't help.  I AGREE with societal expectations whole heartedly.  I just wish that conforming to them didn't make me so miserable.)

And it takes me hours and days to recover.  Hours and days I don't have anymore.  I go from one activity to the next - needing MORE time to recover than most - and making do with LESS.

The cold DOES bother me. 

And I face it again and again day after day after day.

Let it go?  I guess I am still working on it.

But it's the other line that kills me. 

"The cold never bothered me anyway."

Ah hell..I guess I'd have to truly let go to figure out what the hell she is talking about!

If I am beginning to think I am starting to get SOME of what the Tao is talking about I hope that one day I will be advanced enough to understand Disney.

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