Mom? Are you there?!
Because I realise that last blog sounded like one big whiny nagging rant.
Maybe this is what happens when you give up prayer?! (I know it's what's happening when I don't write, when I try to stay positive and not write anything negative, when it all starts to build up and and then I can't write anything.)
So, the word to the Buddhists, it isn't Om but I'm not at liberty to print it. Trying to stay positive and all.
But I would like a clarification on this "surrender" everyone keeps going on about.
Does surrender mean I don't have to work so hard?
Does "everything will be fine" mean Ryan will be okay if she doesn't learn maths and English and history and science?
Does accepting Ryan mean accepting she has no interest in the world around her, no natural ability - in fact a diagnosed DISABILITY - to initiate her own activities, plan a day, set steps and finish an activity?
Does "it's okay" mean it's okay for her to go on welfare and sit in her government subsidized housing all day and watch videos when she gets older?
Is that okay?
Is that okay if she's happy?
Will she be happy?
Do I have to work so hard to drag her from her own world into ours? Is it okay that she's happier in hers? Will she get lonely there eventually? Will she realise she wants or needs more than watching videos alone?
What is my job, God, gods, universe? Do I push her and pull her and fight her and struggle? Do I continue to exhaust myself, give up time with Ian, give up my time to write, to run, to meditate, to sit outdoors, to go to South Bank, in order to force her to do things she doesn't want to do?
|Hey, how'd I get stuck with some knight's kids?!|
She is such a burden to my journey.
And I am such a chain around her neck.
I'd be a fool to think "surrender" meant the same as "giving up."
Krishan Chopra (and, oh dear, he's a Hindu!) says it's about doing your best and leaving the results to God, about being the arrow but letting God be the archer.
But I'm tired and I'm still not sure what "surrender" means.
Maybe it means admitting I am tired, letting myself get fat, do less. Maybe it means having the courage to do NOTHING. Nothing. Saying no. Maybe August could be my month of doing nothing. (The Bridge to Brisbane isn't til September 1!) Could I be that brave for my daughter, for my family, for myself? Could I spend a whole month doing NOTHING?
Maybe "surrender" means acknowledging that working this hard isn't working, that in a results-oriented world you are only as good as your last workout, your last race, your last diet, your last test score. Maybe "surrender" means trying something totally new.
Hmmm...there IS that Taoist Temple just down the freeway from here.
Haven't had a word with them yet.
You think they'd let me in?!