On Reading the Label

Ryan has officially been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.

Why we don't take the kids out to eat much!

"Good news," texted Catherine, "Now you can get the help you need."

The psychologist showed me preliminary results from cognitive and academic tests, all of which were just fine, and then the test that screens for autistic spectrum disorders (since they are taking Asperger's out as an official diagnosis, Ryan will now be considered high-functioning autistic). 

Even I was surprised at how high she scored.  99% in most things.

So, yeah, we're pretty sure she's on that spectrum.  (The preliminary tests showed she IS on the spectrum, further testing in two weeks will show how impaired she is by it.)

Serious study of Schleich horse catalogue while wearing her self-knit rainbow scarf.  In the car. In 30 degree weather.

In filling out further questions on Ryan's behaviour, it is more and more unbelievable to me that the psychologists in Germany missed such a pretty straight-forward case.  (Although I've just learned my cousin's child has been diagnosed as well, and in Germany, so they HAVE heard of it!)

We are so fortunate to be here.  Not only are there provisions in place for dealing with special needs children in the mainstream schools, but there is government help for families.  And there is a general acceptance of everyone's uniqueness that includes a genuine acceptance of - not just sympathy for - people with disabilities and special needs. 

There are no horses in AFL football!

"How do you feel?"  asked the psychologist.

Relieved.

I do get teary eyed every so often as I consider that my child has autism.  My beautiful baby girl has something going on in her head that makes life harder for her.  It keeps her from organising her thoughts, from self-motivating, from starting, seeing through and finishing projects, from remembering basic maths concepts, from tying details up into a big, coherent whole.  It makes it hard for her to get up out of bed in the morning.  It keeps her from making friends.

I would have been devastated if I had known this when she was first born.  Or worse yet, in utero.  My perfect child is well, frankly, less-than-perfect.  My baby girl is less.  I figured my skills at parenting would be to show the world to my child, to have her soar and excel, to rise above, sail beyond, offer her all the opportunity to soar.

I didn't think it would be reviewing basic maths facts again as she glowers at me with dislike.  Sitting in silence next to her waiting for a dance performance to begin, while all the other families around us chat and laugh with one another.  Because Ryan doesn't want to speak to me - she is concentrating on the show - and cringes when I put my arms around her.  Or teaching her how to shave her legs, something I learned with my best friend, Jenny.  Because I am her best friend.  I am her only friend.  And the enemy that makes her get up in the morning at the same time.

 

Miley Cyrus impersonation in Caboolture

 

It's also hearing how brilliant she is when she goes for her weekly riding lesson, how mature and motivated and responsible.  Uh yeah, she can't fit in with people her age at school, but I bet she can get a job working with horses the minute she hits legal age! 

It's watching her belly dance at a seminar with about a dozen other people, all women older than she is, and many of them professional dancers.  And holding her own.

It's enjoying her bond with her flute teacher at her weekly lessons, quietly, through their shared love of the music.

It's allowing her the time to sketch, and watching that talent grow.

It's realising that the silly little book she has been reading on her tablet - My Little Pony -  is actually written on an adult reading level!  Even if it is about Celestia and the Magic Kingdom.

It's understanding that her love of these shows - including all her horse shows - is also the way she navigates human relationships.  That she relates to the gang on "Friends" as friends.  That she learns her life's lessons from "Heartland" and "Twilight" and "Saddle Club" relationships.

It's acknowledging that maybe this is better than the crap she would be picking up at high school!!!

It is knowing that I am going to be leading her on this journey for longer than most parents, and be more integral to the success of that journey.

It is the awareness that her specialness is a gift to us both, that it has made me stop and reevaluate what I had always taken for granted:  that one needs to struggle, to push, to excel; that one has to fit in, do what everyone else is doing, be what everyone else expects you to be. 

It is learning that I am not in control, that I am dust in the wind, blown about by the universe, that nothing is certain and nothing is permanent.

It is letting go and letting life take us all wherever it will, not where I am trying to push it to.

How do I feel?

Those test results are no surprise.  We knew she was different.  We knew she was struggling.  A diagnosis helps us explain this to any one else in her life who needs to know.  (Although, I find, now that we have the diagnosis, I feel less of a need to explain.)  It helps us get some support - both for home schooling and health care needs - that not only helps us financially, but gives me some validation that I am doing something of value, a job the government sees as valuable, that home schooling a child with special needs IS hard, is valuable and is every bit as worthy as re entering the workforce as a veterinarian.  (I know I shouldn't need this but.....)

Most importantly, it gets us help if she does choose to go back to school at some point, even a few days a week.  It gets her help at university.  It gets us both help now, in learning how to cope, how to learn, how to grow, and how to stay happy.

We are happy.  And we have been doing quite well.

I don't think much will change in our daily lives just because of the diagnosis.

It's just nice to finally have it acknowledged that there IS something going on, that it isn't my fault, or Ryan's fault, or some flaw in my parenting or our home life.  That Ryan doesn't need to buck up and fit the system, toe the line, get with the program.

And yes, this is what I heard in Germany.  And sorry, dear friends in English Group, I know you cared about us, but I heard that this is what you had been saying.  It hurt me.  And it made me isolate myself, at the end, from a great bunch of ladies who got me through the darkest times of my life.  You were there when I was depressed, you were there when I went into the loony bin, you were there through the miscarriages. 

I don't think any of us understood at the time - and it was the months before we left Germany too - that I was fighting for my child, that my anger was a result of the helplessness I felt in the face of a system that just wasn't going to help her.

How do I feel?

Exhausted.  I feel like I am at the end of a huge struggle that started when Ryan entered first grade.

Vindicated.  That I was fighting for the right thing.  That what I felt - and did - was right.

Sad.  That there was so much anger in me.  Sad that it did cost me the closeness of friendships I valued.

Hopeful.  Because we are on the right path.  And because anything is possible.

My Kids, My Heroes

"Mommy says I look just like Daddy!"  Damon and Matthew

Khalil Gibran, a Lebanese American artist, writer and philosopher, said it best.

Your children come through you but not from you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life does not go backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as arrows are sent forth.

Krishan Chopra, in his book "Your Life Is In Your Hands: The Path To Lasting Health And Happiness" (from which I also picked up the above quote), explains it this way.

According to the law of karma, a child is born to particular parents and a particular environment because his karma - the accumulated impressions of all his past actions and experiences - requires him to acquire certain physical and mental characteristics and have certain opportunities in this lifetime.  He does not get a good or bad environment because of his parents, but because his own karma places him in a situation in which he can, if he so desires, utilize his accumulated knowledge and abilities and add to them.

I like karma.  It places the responsibility for your life into your own hands.

Krishan is worth listening to.  Not only is his book a fantastic explanation of Hindu beliefs and values, he is obviously no slouch as a parent either.  His son, Deepak Chopra, seemed to turn out okay.

"Uh oh.  Mommy needs pictures for her blog again!"  Aidan and his sight words.

In essence, the concept of karma says that your children chose you as their parent for a reason.

I'm still trying to figure out what my kids are getting from ME, but I sure as heck am learning a lot from them.

This week the peer pressure on Ryan from the girls in her class got so strong that I finally spoke with the vice-principal.  Getting your bra snapped by anyone, even another girl, is bullying.  Although Ryan is no stranger to bullying - it was considered normal and routine in Germany - it was a welcome change to have help from an adult authority figure.  Guess what?  Not okay in Australia.  But even with help from the adults, this situation is not going to go away.  Ryan is not going to conform.  And the pressure - right now it is to join THE GROUP on a 3 day camping trip the school has planned in 5 weeks - is not going to go away.

And so Ryan has decided not to go camping. 

That kind of blew everyone away.

But why would she want to spend time with kids who are trying to control her and tell her what to do, who won't leave her alone, let her do her own thing and be her own person?

Ryan on Jack.  Now THAT's a big horse trying to buck my little girl off!

The adults are worried about her 'missing out' on a school experience. 

The kids will continue to pester her. 

And Ryan will continue to quietly walk away and do her own thing.
I have no idea how this confident, self -assured child came from needy, attention-seeking me. 

But I really couldn't be prouder.

She is so happy with her horses and her riding - this week she was the only one Jack didn't buck off in the field - and with her sketches and well, HERSELF - that she doesn't need the confirmation of others telling her that she is okay. 

Jack figures he might as well listen.

It would have made parenting her for the past few years a heck of a lot easier if she HAD wanted to please me.

From Ryan, I am learning to be my own person, to be less needy and more confident in myself.

Andrew is teaching me to be a better person as well.  And also to stick up for what I believe is right.  Maybe that's why I had to become a mother.  I doubt I would have stuck up for myself the way I will for my children.

This weekend Andrew was placed in goal for both halves, despite the deal we had with the coaches that he would play one half in the position he loves, in the field.   I wasn't there, it was Damon's turn out the door at 7 AM, but they were playing The Pythons, the strongest team in the league, and the pressure was on.  Losing 0-4 after the first half, even with Andrew in goal, the coach coerced Andrew into playing goal again in the second half, while Damon was away signing the volunteer register.

When Andrew protested the coach told him "You HAVE to stay in goal.  You need the practice."

Andrew was in tears, but he did what his coach asked of him.  And he did it well.

Andrew teaches his class about hip-hop.  (Mr. Biri on the right.  AND note the use of whiteboard and computers!  21st century in THIS continent's schools!)

Damon was furious.

I would have pulled Andrew off the field.

The coach isn't a bad person.  He just made a bad decision.  He chose points in a game over the joy of a 9 year old playing that game.  He broke his promise - and the rules of fairness and sportsmanship - in order to look better on a scoreboard.  And- although he doesn't know it yet - he's lost one of his most valuable players for next year.  Go and find yourself a goalie NOW!

What Andrew couldn't understand is how an adult could go back on his word.  But he played on anyway.  What a champ. 
How could I not, as a parent, step in and pull him from this kind of coaching?  He knows what's fair and he knows when he has been let down.  And now he knows he is worthy enough for his parents to stick up for him.

In goal.  But itching to get on the field and run.

I'm actually trying NOT to make waves the past few weeks.  The academic thing flew by with no issues.  The camp thing will have bigger repercussions since now other people are considering withdrawing their children as well.  But, for once, I am not doing any of this to make a statement or because something isn't right or because I can't have it my way.  I am simply doing what is best for MY kids given the present circumstances.  Am I going to change the peer pressure in Ryan's class?  No.  But I can help her not have to deal with it over a three day sleepover.  Do I want to have to struggle with Andrew's coach a second season?  No.  And so we change teams, and leave him to his decisions without trying to change them.

I copied a quote onto a sheet of paper once.  I'll have to credit the author - also of Indian descent I believe -when I find it again.  It goes like this.

You can't always change the circumstances.  But you can change your circumstances.

I was wise enough fifteen years ago to recognize that it should be written down.  But I had no idea what it meant until this week.

I don't have to change the world or fight for what is right in order to quietly make things right for ME, my kids, and our personal circumstances.  Things only change when you make choices for yourself, instead of worrying about making them for everyone else too.

My Brumbies making pizza.

Maybe that's what being a leader really means, not forcing everyone to follow you, but setting an example and allowing them to make their own decisions based on that example.

Ryan and Andrew have taught me to do things for us, for me, and for them.  Without worrying about what everyone else is going to do.  And being their mother - and seeing how strong they are - has made me strong enough to make those decisions.

How this crooked bow has sent out these straight arrows is beyond my compression. 

But I do strive to be more like them.  And am grateful that they chose me to be their mother.

Ryan Emerging

It's so much fun watching Ryan come alive.  She's still often overshadowed by Andrew's accomplishments and by the needs of her whirling dervish twin brothers, but she is quietly making her own mark too.

Ryan brings home her flute after her first lesson at school.

You just have to take the time to look for it.

She's discovering music, encouraged through the Glee Club, which meets on Fridays to listen to popular dance tunes. (Think Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus)  Classical training it is not, but the kids get to sing and dance along.  Have fun with their peers.  Enjoy themselves.  And isn't that what music has always been about?  (Remember, Mozart was the Mick Jagger of HIS day!) 

Ryan gets to belong just by being herself.  How great is that?!

She has done a Power Point presentation for her German class on our move from Germany to Australia.  And some other work on the computer at school that I've only heard about.  One was about saving the wolves in the western USA and one about saving the koalas here.

She is being encouraged to write about what she enjoys.  And the work isn't coming back crossed out in red pen, the mistakes she's made overshadowing the joy of the ideas she put into it.

And look what's coming back!

Hanging in the school foyer, Ms Valley's grade 4/5 class designed their own personal flags.

Her work is improving on it's own.  Without third drafts and red ink.  They're just letting her WRITE!

She gets to write about herself too.  Define herself.  And have pride in who she is.

It looked as if Ryan could have written FOREVER!

And look.  The artwork is FREE-FORM!  THANK GOODNESS she's been allowed to put away that DAMN ruler - in ART CLASS!  And been allowed to explore her creativity instead of being graded on her straight lines and neatness.  She took first place in a classroom coloring competition because her entry looked DIFFERENT from everyone else's!  DIFFERENT?  She would have had to redo the assignment - properly, like everyone else's - in her old school.

Not enough room on the paper for all that she is!

Ryan's class in Germany did a project where the kids had to find two things that everyone in the class did well.  It was meant as a form of encouragement.  But Ryan was known for two things - all four years - she spoke English well and she loved to ride horses.

That was Ryan.  Summed up and neatly packaged, ready for delivery to Hauptschule.

Here she speaks English funny (although better than her parents who still don't know how to pronounce 'tomato') but German well.  But that doesn't define her.  We've got kids in the school from Africa, Japan, the Phillipines, Thailand, New Zealand, indigenous Australia, England, Ireland, Scotland, France, even another American whose Mommy speaks in proper southern dialect to distinguish herself from the Canadians WE sound like.

Everyone is encouraged to be proud of where they came from.  But it doesn't define them.  Neither do their accomplishments.  Or weaknesses.

The reality is, here like everywhere else, that kids from different socio-economic backgrounds or living situations, will realistically have different opportunities and futures. 

But here at least we can dream.  (Just like in the USA where the disparities in opportunities are more glaringly obvious, at least the DREAM is that every child CAN grow up to be president!)

No government-sanctioned labelling and sorting.  Germany, we do NOT need to be 'realistic' about our childrens' futures.  If we don't let ALL of them reach for the stars, there is no chance for them to get there.

Trying on a new role for size.

And, while it is easy to bask in the light of brilliant stars, or to embrace the sweetest children, it's the kids that DON'T shine on their own that need and deserve our attention and encouragement.  It's the kids that are hardest to love that we need to love the most.  (Easier said as a part-time volunteer mother than a full-time teacher, I admit!)

The best part about kids is that they continue to surprise us.

Let them out of the box, and let's see what they can do!



Ryan's Turn

First day homeschooling.  Iglersreuth, Germany,early October.

There's kids that shine.  You know'em.  Bright as stars, fast as a comet.  They light up a room.  They are easy to love, a joy to teach, and you know they'll go far.

And then there's Ryan.

God bless her, the kid's got class.

Unfortunately class isn't something that's appreciated in a 10 year old.  Or even noticed.  Not when there's a couple comets flying about and a star brother eclipsing her.

And here's another reason I love Lawnton State School and all the teachers and parents there.

They give Ryan room to shine.

Treasure-hunting at Playmobilland. 

Ryan got another Value Award two weeks ago.  This one 'for consistently completing her classwork with effort."  Every Friday morning the entire school - and more than a handful of addicted parents - gathers to sing the national anthem, discuss the week's successes and celebrate individual effort.  How fantastic to watch individual children, some of who have been struggling with behaviour and/or academic problems, be rewarded for their efforts. 

Everyone leaves with heads held high.  Proud to be Australian, proud to be at Lawnton State School, and proud of who they are individually.
The most amazing thing is that this isn't at all fake.  I still cry when I hear those kids singing.  And I clap loudly for each and every one of them.

Ryan is valued here in a way she never could be in Germany.  She is valued for being herself, for being a good kid, for doing her best.  Her best was never good enough at her previous school.  She was too slow.  She was too quiet.  She day-dreamed. 

Here she is being given a chance to shine.

And she is. 

In the kitchen in Iglersreuth.

"Ryan loves to read." said her teacher to us on parents' night.  "Come again?" asked Damon.  "She's got a book open every minute of her spare time." 

And she's reading LITERATURE.  The Wizard of Oz, borrowed from the school library.

Could it be that, number one, there IS a school library and that number two, the classroom is better managed than her previous classroom so that she can feel comfortable opening up a book?

Ryan's in a class of 25.  17 of them are boys.  Just like her previous four years.  Her teacher said she felt bad for her, and her two best girlfriends, who are always sitting in a row, books opened, listening and ready for the lesson while the boys jump around the classroom. 

Uh.  No sweat there.  Ryan's been slumming it among spoiled little princes up to this point.

Really.  Ryan spent FOUR years among a class of boys who were bright and quick but also unruly and unmanageable.  Or in a system that refused to manage them.

CONSEQUENT?  That's a big German word for 'are you following through on your discipline at home?'   But there was NO discipline in school.  (Not much at homes either, from the behaviour the children- and spoiled parents - showed.  Even teachers agreed with me on this.)  The teachers spent four years yelling at these children, trying to get them to behave.  But there was no attempt at discipline.  Oh.  That red mark next to your name on the board.  Like that bothers anyone. 

Parents would have whined and screamed worse than the kids if the school had told them their children were less than perfect. 

HORSES!  At Playmobilland.

Here, every class follows a set of rules for discipline.  Even the twins know it already. 
1.  First you get the look.
2.  Then the teacher asks you to stop your disruptive behaviour.
3.  Next you are asked to sit on the 'reflection chair' and think about why your behaviour is inappropriate.  Was it safe?  Was it respectful?  Was it learning? 
4.  If that doesn't work you need to go see the principal and sit in the reflection room.  (Some classes have an 'exit chair' before this step, I believe.)
5.  Physical contact goes straight to the principal. 
6.  Parents are informed.

And the thing is, they really DO this!  So that sure, kids still misbehave, but they are held to the consequences of their actions.  And the teacher doesn't spend all of her time screaming and yelling at a class that never really has the incentive to settle down. 

And, whatever it is, it works.  The kids we have met here, at Lawnton State School and all around the Brisbane area, are respectful, polite and helpful.  It is unbelievable. It is such a joy.

So that the ADULTS here are respectful, polite and helpful.

So that I still don't know if the education system represents the values of the society or the values of the society reflect what is taught in the education system, but I strongly suspect the former.  (Can you even IMAGINE a German school where physical contact was punished with a trip to the principal?!  My God, the kids are told to work it out themselves.  And they do.  Punching and kicking and ganging up on eachother.  The principal would be WAY too important to get involved with the students.  And anyway, kids will be kids.  Fighting is normal, isn't it?)

And I don't care.  This is about Ryan.  This is about having room to shine, about having space to grow and about the RIGHT to feel safe being yourself.  Even proud to be yourself. 

How was she ever going to get anywhere sitting quietly in a corner, her needs unmet, her every effort marked as unsatisfactory?

Everything here is geared towards helping every child reach their full potential.  Not labelling them and sorting them.  I don't know.  Maybe the German system DOES get better in the fifth grade.  Do the smart kids get a library and computers?  Do the smart kids finally learn some manners?  (Big sighs here from the international community!!!)

Bike-riding in Iglersreuth. 

Ryan is reading.  Ryan is remembering her multiplication tables.  She has volunteered to mentor younger children in the morning reading program.  She's joined the Glee Club.  And wants to play the flute.  A child who was withering away before my eyes is now a child who matters, someone who WANTS to contribute and be a part of her school, because her school values her.

When the child psychologist I took her to in Germany said he thought it was all that traveling that was affecting her (even though we'd lived at the same address for six out of her ten years!) I thought back on when I had really lost her.

I began to lose her when we moved to Germany.  The kindergarten was wild.  And, in retrospect, the system doesn't reinforce the values that we personally have at home.

Respect for others.  Sharing with others.  Being kind to others.

They are a recipe for disaster in system that really only emphasizes taking care of yourself. 

I am not strong enough, and neither was Ryan, to live in a society so at odds with my personal beliefs.

But I am strong enough to fight for my children.  ALL of them.

And lucky enough to be somewhere where I don't have to anymore.

Ryan, with her two best friends,  receiving awards for consistently showing the school values of safety, respect and learning.  How can I not love a country that loves my daughter?

Koalas in the Courtyard; Part One/Introduction

Of the top three awe-inspiring things we saw in our first week in Australia, the mighty surf of the South Pacific Ocean and our first glimpse of a koala in the neighborhood don't compare to the wonders of the school system.

 You can get what you ask for.  Just not in Germany.

We wandered into the local state school on Thursday to pick up registration packets and possibly get a bit of information on testing the kids and starting classes in January after the summer holidays. We figured we'd get grilled on if the kids even belong here, if we had the proper documentation, the correct street address etc. etc. etc. Next we expected the run-around with Medi-Care and health insurance since Damon had already been told school registration would help facilitate that process as it signalled our intention to stay. (We'd be leaving WHY?!)

''Easily handled.'' the lady at Medicare had told him. Turns out we are all covered retroactively from the moment the plane touched ground. I won't even go there – health care is another issue – but imagine Damon's delight at hearing ''easily handled'' from a government office!

What with the half hour greetings and the general willingness of Australians to do anything in their power to help you out we should have expected what followed at the school.

But, as I told the other parents at the parents' coffee yesterday morning after Friday assembly, the school meets every single criteria I mentioned in my unsent letter to the school board in Germany.

http://twintensity.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html

Every single criteria.

Other parents at the WEEKLY parents' coffee following the WEEKLY general school assembly.

I had to apologize to the lady sitting next to me for crying during the national anthem. There were two of my kids, dressed in school uniform, sitting next to new friends, watching the school vice-principal handing out awards for excellence in learning, respect and safety.

Excellence in learning included improvement for kids that were struggling as well as at the top of the class.

One kid got an award for ''using a high-five in a difficult situation.''

Another for ''helping others to achieve their potential.'' Because we really value helping others.

There's a gifted and talented program as well as special education. Class sizes are small. Ryan's fourth grade class is bursting at the seams with 22 kids. Andrew's 2/3 class looked to have about 12. Not more than twenty anyway. So that the teachers and teachers' aides are able to focus on individual childrens' needs. Teachers' aides. Multiple learning levels within one classroom. With students from higher grades coming in to help younger students as well.

And a weekly newsletter for parents.

Homework is used to supplement learning in the classroom and instill good work habits for later. NOT to teach what they didn't properly learn at school. (And since the school day goes from 8:50 to 3PM, they have in a WEEK what German kids have in a DAY.)

Then there's the list of responsibilities the children have as students, the parents have to assist the students and the school has towards both students and parents.

Printed out in hard copy. Clear expectations. Which I was always made to feel like an idiot for having in Germany.

Oh and the steps to formal complaint procedures, beginning with teacher, on to principal all the way up to the Queensland school authorities. Look at that. Democracy in action.

I don't expect to ever use them. In fact, I strongly suspect the German system – where we do need to use them - keeps parents in the dark so that we can't.

There's more. Lots more. Things that the Australian parents look at me kinda funny for when I point them out with glee. As in, well of course there's a school crossing guard. And of course we're allowed on the school grounds to pick up our children. They're our children aren't they?

And why is that crazy American lady so happy to be seeing the school vice-principal reminding the kids in the courtyard to show respect and behave appropriately? You don't suppose any school system anywhere would just let the kids act like animals and work it out themselves do you?

I've often heard it said that the most ardent American is a new American, an immigrant who knows how good they have it, who doesn't take for granted that which the average American expects as normal.

So that maybe it's normal for this new Australian to be crying to words she's never heard before.

''Australians let us all rejoice. For we are young and free.''

The vice-principal was crying too as she reminded the students why they'd had a moment of silence the day before. “We honor the soldiers who died to keep Australia free and democratic. '' she said. ''And we are lucky to be living in the best country in the world.''

Guess they do know how good they have it.

Not everyone can live in Australia. (As hard as it is for ''us'' Aussies to believe, not everyone even WANTS to!)

But every child deserves the right to reach their full potential. Every child. In every country.

Take a hard look Germany. Look south and to the east.

We may be young. Just what Germany needs to get its archaic and decrepit school system out from behind its walker!

New Worlds For Ryan

Here's what I found on my desk - amidst a half-finished chocolate milk and some brotchen crumbs - when I came home from Writers' Group on Saturday.

With all my worrying about whether or not I am doing the right thing for Ryan, about what I could be doing differently, and better, for her, it is nice to have confirmation that just being me, and letting her be herself, is the best I can do.

Ryan's story, written while home alone (the boys were at baseball), VOLUNTARILY for FUN, came complete with pictures of horse and owner. I can only reproduce the written words here. Remember, English is her second language. (Read it out loud; it helps!)

I couldn't be prouder.

Cobolt (Picture of a black horse with Carole.)

Carole Hanson (HEART for loves) Cobolt they meant to be together but Cobolt is Veronicka di Angelo's Horse. She killd Cobolt with forsing him to go over a gump. Dr. Judy had to put him down. Carole wanted to quit riding bekos of Veronika and she almost did. Stevie and Lisa thot (say it out loud!) of a plane. Veronicka shold bey (out loud, I tell you!) Starlight but Carole said: ''You are not gonea kill Starlight and your not gonea get Starlight eather understand!?" and Veronicka said:

That's it. It's a direct synopsis of her favorite book - and TV - series "Saddle Club." Written in a second-language by a child with problems synthesizing information.

Just look at what these kids can do when given the chance and encouraged!

They need an interest. And they need a visual. (The German education system is not very visual, no pictures of the alphabet, no charts of the multiplication tables.)

But I'm psyched - again - about a few months of homeschooling in the fall. The schoolroom will take shape around us. Area history and culture. Language. Reading and math. And I'm thinking TV - and the Internet - isn't all bad for a kid like Ryan, if it is used properly. She responds to the visual and to the story. Our trip to the movie theater on Sunday is just the sort of thing she personally soaks up better than taking notes from the board or listening to a presentation.

Ryan is opening up new worlds for me. I'm thrilled to be able to do the same for her.

You Are Not Alone

(This was written about three weeks ago, as a prelude to the letters I am writing up for the Schulamts in Boeblingen and Baden-Wurttemburg. You'll get those too. Positive actions arising out of my anger!)

I tried to reassure Killian's mother that there was really no rush to pick up her son. The boys really do play well together and it is gratifying to be able to give another mother the afternoon off every once in a while.

But she looked worried.

"You know they've got that math test tomorrow, right?" she asked.

Of course I didn't know. It would explain all the little scraps of paper I have recently pulled out of the bottom of Andrew's school bag. Seems like they are learning the multiplication tables. And being tested on them regularly.

How gratifying to find out about it weeks later from another parent.

Andrew is teaching himself the multiplication tables. Or picking it up at school. Or maybe was just born knowing them. How lucky for him.

But Killian's mother had tears in her eyes. She and Killian are doing their best to help him in school, but.....he had missed a week due to illness and had fallen behind when the teacher hadn't noticed that he was adding everything instead of subtracting. In a class of 32, she just hadn't noticed that he had never picked up subtraction.

This is a child- and a mother - who are trying desperately to learn. And getting no help whatsoever. Sound familiar? Killian's mother finally went online to try to figure out HOW to best teach her child the multiplication tables. And taught HERSELF about flashcards. How far would this family go with just the slightest little bit of help from the school?

She was almost embarrassed to tell me all this. I'm not sure why she did. Lately, people have been opening up to me more and more. Could I be getting a reputation? Or is the positive energy really working? In any case, I put her on my mailing list.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

It's interesting. People have an entirely different viewpoint of me depending on which child they know. The parents of Andrew's friends assume everything is hunky dory over here. I must be doing something right. Which right away, in our twisted little German minds, translates into "what am I doing wrong?"

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

The first step must be to find a common voice. We all want what is best for our children.

What we need is a voice in the school system. This means staying actively informed on our children's education.

1. We need written, concrete goals and expectations for our children. Where should they be? When should we worry?

2. We need more than one parent/teacher meeting every two years. (No, I am not kidding you. I have had ONE face-to-face meeting with Andrew's teacher, in January, since he started school almost two years ago.)

3. We need programs in place to identify when children are not meeting expectations. We need programs that identify the problem and focus on correcting it, so that EVERY CHILD is able to reach his/her full potential.

We need a lot more. We need more money for teachers and teachers' aides and for special education programs. Teachers need a lighter workload so that they can focus more on individual children. We need to integrate mildly learning disabled children into the mainstream. (Nils should not need special ed.) I won't even get into the outdated Hauptschul/Realschul/Gymnasium system or the possible benefits of a longer school day.

For that we need money and a radical change.

But we can start small. With flashcards.

1. What exactly ARE the schools' goals for our children? Don't give me this PISA crap. Tell me what Frau Schmitt, here in Altdorf, expects from her first graders by January.

2. What shall we do - together - if these goals aren't being met?

The most radical change would be changing expectations. We need to EXPECT the teachers and schools to actively - and willing - include parents in their children's education. Schools and parents need to communicate openly and regularly. Parental involvement - and working together - needs to be the norm. It IS a cultural thing; Germans work alone, their concept of working together is not the same as what I've seen in the USA, in France, in Africa, in Haiti. We need to LEARN HOW TO WORK TOGETHER; parents, school, teachers, communities.

Why are we fighting these battles alone? Why are we fighting at all?

The system is here to serve us, not the other way around. (Something Germans really really REALLY need to learn as well!)

Let's find a way to communicate - positively - and get our needs met.

Killian's mom, and too many like her, should not be struggling alone to raise the very children that are our brightest hope for the future.

Germany's Children

The counselor was there to categorize my child, not help her.

I am extremely pleased - no let's face it - ecstatic beyond belief - to announce that Ryan has an above average IQ. I still don't believe in IQ tests. But I'm still pleased, because on this graph she is smart.

And the graphs matter more than the reality.

According to the graphs, the counselor HAS to at least recommend the Realschule for her, possibly even Gymnasium. You can tell that made her uncomfortable, but she IS German and she WILL follow the graph.

Never mind that my child would never survive in either one of those schools. Graphs don't lie.

I didn't bother to ask which subjects were the ones where she shot way over the mark. It was gratifying to see, but it wasn't really important. The two that interested me was where the chart showed absolutely no comprehension at all. Above average intelligence, generally high scores and two that are so low they barely register.

What does that say to you?

The counselor hadn't bothered to check.

Turns out they were in spatial comprehension - concept - and in picking out a fifth word that doesn't belong in the group. Also comprehension of a concept. The counselor decided it was because Ryan was bilingual and that she just needs to increase her German vocabulary.

Are you kidding me? And this is the lady who is supposed to be trained in this sort of thing.

She obviously didn't care. Not her job. She had done the graphs.

Never mind that the graphs clearly pointed to a child with a learning disability - my guess is on a mild form of ADD that doesn't manifest in the typical hyperactivity but in dreaminess and an inability to synthesize details into a larger ideological picture. I know one other child with the disorder and now see the similarities. I clearly see it in the math, but also in retrospect on her slowness to convert her knowledge of the alphabet into sounds and reading.

I drew a blank stare when I commented on the results pointing to a learning disabilty and mentioned that Ryan also has juvenile hypothyroidism - which has been linked to an increased incidence of ADD and other learning difficultires. I asked what system was in place to help children with learning problems.

What do they do with all the German children who have learning disabilities?

She checked the box marked Hauptschule.

My God Germany, what are you doing to your children?

Maybe You Should Fly A Jet!

This has always been my all-time least favorite Dr. Seuss book.

I do find it cool that my "real-life, responsible, grown-up" job is listed in the title: Maybe you should fly a jet! Maybe you should be a vet! (By Theo LeSieg, illustrated by Michael J. Smollin, in the Dr. Seuss Beginner Books series)

But I never liked the sentiments expressed within. Especially from Dr. Seuss.

"You've got to do something. What DO you want to do?"

Like kids need that kind of pressure.

"You've got to BE someone sooner or later."

It just isn't the creative, child-friendly, nurturing tone I associate with Dr. Seuss.

But my kids love it. Ryan even brought it in to her English class when they were learning careers at school.

And the last page is growing on me.

"Maybe you should be a voice. Someday you must make a choice. Maybe you should be a FOICE! ????? When you find out what a FOICE is, you can tell us what your choice is."

It leaves some room for self-discovery.

I'm still not sure what a foice is, but I am studying both the Tao and the Bhagavad Gita to find out. I'd let you know when I find out, but I have read enough to know that it is something everyone has to find out for themselves.

That Dr. Seuss is no dummy.

I've tried on lots of roles in Dr. Suess's book. And will continue to try more.

And it occurs to me. Maybe I SHOULD be a voice! I've been speaking to more and more people lately about the lack of special education programs in the school system here. If it's not that, there will always be other causes I want to rush out and defend. I am a voice.

I speak for those who cannot speak up for themselves, either because of convention or shyness. I speak for those who would LIKE to but are afraid or discouraged.

I may be a pain in the ass, but I have more people thank me for it than condemn me.

My goal now is to speak FOR a cause, to speak FOR a group (or better yet, WITH it), to speak FOR change and FOR something better. To speak FOR all of us, and all of our children.

I have a letter to write to the school board here, and to the school authorities in Baden-Wurttemburg. The more I think about what I am going to say, the more I discuss it with other parents, the more I realize that it has to be written. I can't just jump ship and run.

But I am going to write FOR our school system, FOR change within it, FOR special education programs, FOR integration of special education into the main schools. It's a step that Germany needs to take. And will. But someone - lots of someones - have to be willing to take that first step and speak out.

I am going to be a voice.

I've worked my way to the end of the book and it's high time I made a choice!

Third Grade Math: Far From Over

Ryan finally brought home a test result I could smile at this week.

In fact, I laughed out loud, embraced her with tears of mirth streaming down my face, and did a little happy dance of disbelief around the kitchen.

I'm not sure that helped her self esteem any.

She'd hit the jackpot, though, an incredible NONE CORRECT on the entire one-hour test. "Well, Mom, " she quietly said "Frau Danzinger did give me partial credit on the first question." (She was cowering behind the kitchen cabinets, not quite sure if my war whoops and insane laughter were a good sign or a bad one.) Yeah, because Ryan had managed to write a correct word into a completely incorrect sentence, and Frau Danzinger really has been doing her darndest to give Ryan whatever points she can. She gave up after that first one though.

What do you say to something like that?

I was curious, and so I called the teacher. "So, how about that weather, huh?" Frau Danzinger was not at all fooled. "Fine then, how about that test result?" She didn't have an answer. "It's okay. I'm not angry. In fact, I laughed." That loosened her up a bit. She guesses we still need to work with Ryan on some things. You think?! I am grateful that she didn't yell at Ryan - although she did write on the test that she thought Ryan could do better than this? Really? CAN she do better than this?

We discussed it once again. "Do you still honestly believe that this child has no learning "weakness"?" I asked her. (It's a nicer word than disability and, since they still don't believe there is anything wrong, also less insistent.)

What Frau Danzinger is trying to reassure me is that Ryan is a lovely child, that she just needs time to mature. She keeps reminding me of the IQ results. (They were good.) She is a pleasure in the classroom and never causes trouble or disruptions. Which is why she will never be looked at in this system. If she were a typical ADD child - male, loud, unruly and disruptive - they would have listened to me four years ago already.

And she gets what they consider average grades. 3s to 4s. Consistently. (C's in the American equivalent).

I just can't believe they don't look closer - especially with a parent hounding them for four years. Her math tests recently for example. The first half - dealing with fairly complicated multiplication and long division - rote math - is ENTIRELY CORRECT. The second half - dealing with application of the concept - ENTIRELY FALSE. For months now.

Ryan has ADD. I'm sure of it.

I'm also sure she will never get the help she needs here in Germany.

I finally had my mom ask Marie, our family's guidance fairy and a trained psychologist, what she thought about Ryan's symptoms. She sent me to a website, learningdisabilities.about.com/od/glossar1/g/abstractreason.htm that in turn led me to another website, www.ncgiadd.org., and piles of information.

She has also been reading my blogs, and....go ahead and read all those essays on Third Grade Math yourself again if you are interested. Ryan has almost every classical symptom of ADD, except the hyperactivity. It's a quieter, dreamy form more common to girls. And most often overlooked. I've been documenting it for a year without knowing it.

What bothers me is that the school here didn't even try, doesn't even really care.

I'm learning a lot. I'm giving up the guilt. (Don't Shoot The Dog: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.) And I'm reading about the Individuals with Disabilities Acts, the U.S federal law requiring public schools to serve children with specific learning disabilites by developing an Individual Education Program (IEP), including individualized learning goals and A TEAM OF EDUCATORS, PSYCHOLOGISTS AND HEALTH PROFESSIONALS, for EACH student with a disability.

German websites don't even mention Ryan's form of ADD. The school has no health care professional, no psychologist, and noone trained to handle special needs education.

I think we all know what the Germans do when someone doesn't fit into their system.

FIghting For The Short Bus

Americans know the "short bus." In a country where kids are bussed to school on large, long yellow school busses, the "short bus" is the yellow bus that picks up the "special ed" kids. Short yellow buses are also used on long rural routes with few kids, but....the stigma remains. The kids coming off the short bus are the kids whose limbs flop awkwardly from wheelchairs, who wear helmets and crooked smiles, who are...let's face it....just thrilled to be able to attend public school at all.

There is actually a short bus in my area of Germany. It picks up the kids with severe debilitating ADD and slight learning delays and brings them to a special school nearby with class sizes of 6 - 10 and one class where the teacher's dog joins the class daily. We also have a child with Down Syndrome in our kindergarten and a blind child in the local grade school.

So, I guess what I may be fighting for isn't exactly "special ed." I don't actually know the status of special ed here since none of my children fits into the category. I don't see it, I don't hear about it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist or isn't excellent. I do know anyone with a physical handicap requiring a wheelchair or other walking aid would have to be carried up and down the stairs of the elementary school. (I know this, as well as the impossibility of using any public buildings, such as the gym and Rathaus, because I was unable to navigate them with a double stroller, since they have no ramps, no elevators, and are therefore wheelchair - and double stroller - inaccessible.)

What I'm fighting for is the kids in the middle, the kids with mild speech impediments, or slight hearing loss or just slightly slower abilities to learn than average. I'm fighting for the "less-than-average" and let's face it, less than average sounds a lot worse than "special."

"Special" kids in Germany are quick, bright, and again, let's be honest, often blonde. Or at least from your traditional German family. To make it as an immigrant, you have to not only be very very special, but also able to assimilate into the traditional German view of what a scholar is.

Oh. Yeah. And do it before the age of ten.

Everybody agrees that the current system is absolutely stupid and unfair. And also that it will take decades to change it. (Put in your own comment on the pace of change in Europe; I can't even begin to go there right now.)

Right now the kids are filtered into three separate school systems beginning in fifth grade. (Some rare cities such as Berlin are beginning to do this later, in seventh grade.) The smart kids go to the Gymnasium, basically highschool, with ages from 10 thourgh 18. From there they are expected to go to college. (Decided, once again, at the age of 10.) The average kids go to Realschule where they are prepared for very respectable careers as bank tellers, office staff and kindergarten teachers. (No kidding, the FIRST teachers your kids have in Germany aren't even considered good enough to go to college.) The dumb kids - and immigrants - go to Hauptschule, whose name has now been changed to Werkrealschule to make people feel better about it. And, although everyone keeps trying to tell me that Hauptschule is fine, that the kids are just slow starters, and that they can work their way up from there, the fact remains that noone knows what to do with these kids in the future.

Hauptschul kids officially graduate in 9th grade. Ready for a job as a bricklayer or prostitute. And there aren't a lot of jobs open for bricklayers right now.

Okay - the official line is that these kids mature and feed into the Realschule, in exceptional cases even into the Gymnasium and then into college. The system is supposed to be flexible, meeting the individual needs of each individual child.

But in reality, Germany has labelled and cut their losses on an overwhelming two-thirds of their kids. By the age of 10. Turns out I am too American to accept this. Instead of "no child left behind" they voluntarily weed out the kids to leave behind, and leave them behind early. "Make a sprint for college, son, and don't look back at all the dumb friends you have to run over to get there." I'm sorry. It's just so typically German.

Don't get me wrong. The American system is far from perfect too. But at least there is debate and change. At least we are fighting for the right of EVERY CHILD to learn. At least the theory works, even if the reality is still ugly and messy.

The top third of ANY education system are going to do fine. Those are the third you only need to place a book in front of and they sop it up. It's really really hard to mess up with those. (Believe me, I know, I have one of those too.) The sign of a really superior education system would be its ability to help those who can't learn on their own, its success rate with those that actually need HELP learning. I mean, isn't that what teaching is all about?!

So, yeah, I guess in the end I'm just fighting for the same old thing that parents everywhere should be fighting for. More money for teacher's aides, for reading programs, for special education classes.

I'm still trying to convince the school Ryan even HAS a learning problem. (Shouldn't they have picked this up by now? Or is it easier just to filter them out than it is to teach them. More cost-effective in the short-term, I guess.)

Funny isn't it? All those years you spend laughing at the kids on the short bus. Until you become a parent and realize how "special" every member of society is, and how they all should have access to the same opportunities.

Third Grade Math: Circumference

I finally have a meeting with a school counselor on Monday to go over the results of Ryan's test scores.

But I don't need a test score to tell me that she doesn't understand basic concepts. She has done phenomenally well in school for a child that obviously doesn't have a clue as to what it's all about.

What a brave kid. She has been following the rules as best she can without really knowing why. Pretty smart to be able to cover up as well as she has been able to.

Little things give her away. Things that the teachers don't bother to pick up on. She has average scores and that's good enough for them.

But just LOOK at the work, ladies, not at the final grade.

Circumference for example. She is busily, and happily, counting the squares AROUND the shape, the way she thinks she has been taught in school. Not realizing that she is, in fact, supposed to be counting the lines and boxes that make up the outside of the shape - ie, the basic concept of circumference - but actually counting the entire row of boxes SURROUNDING the shape in question.

The entire CONCEPT of circumference eludes her.

The concept of length as been an enigma since second grade. She still has no concept of mms vs cms vs meters. Anything with a 65 in front of it is obviously bigger than something with a 5 in front of it. The CONCEPT of length is missing.

Shouldn't the teachers have picked this up when she couldn't correctly identify the lenght of a bus versus the length of a person versus the length of an eraser in second grade?

But I keep getting told that I'm expecting too much, that I am overambitious and that not all children are the same.

Well, yeah, but... is it expecting too much for them to be able to tell an eraser from a school bus?!

Ryan has memorized the entire multiplication system without knowing what multiplication actually is. Good enough for the teachers, but not good enough for me.

Im frightened. Not that my child has a learning disability but that none of her teachers seem to care.

I Do Believe in Fairies

Today, she cried.

I've been trying to cover up my frustration - and frankly, my disappointment - in her since I got back from Florida.

She has no friends over, isn't invited anywhere else and has been to a total of two birthday parties the entire school year. She has dropped all activities except for horse back riding, doesn't want to practice the guitar, and doesn't leave the house unless I drag her. All she wants to do is watch H20 (Australia's answer to the High School Musical crowd) and well...watch anything at all as she sits comatose on the couch.

Until today I thought she was lazy and disinterested. Now I know that not only is she aware of her isolation at school, but that it is tearing her up inside.

It's only now, as I list them, that I recognize the hallmark signs of depression.

Forgive me Ryan. You are only ten years old. How could I have failed you already?

In the story of Peter Pan, a fairy dies every time a child says they don't believe in them.

I feel like I'm killing my fairy every day I send her into a classroom I know is no good for her.

I did speak to her teacher this evening, and, since I mentioned depression and a meeting with the principal, she is taking this seriously. What pisses me off is that this classroom situation has been a horrible one for close to four years now, that it has been horrible for almost every child in this class and that is has gone largely unacknowledged this entire time. What kind of a system puts children together for four years? Look at what happens when that group doesn't get along. And, since this same system ranks the kids as early as it does, this class dynamic (or lack of it) could potentially affect these kids for the rest of their lives. It's unforgiveable. I feel sorry for all the kids that are stuck here.

I'm more pissed off at myself for trusting the damn system, having faith that they were doing what was best for my child.

Seems like the only one who really gives a shit about your child is you.

The good news on fairies is that they apparently come to life again as soon as you believe in them.

I've just gotta get her outta here before it's too late.

Fourth Grade Math - Simply Ridiculous

I've got the answer to why Germany is doing so poorly in international math standings.

In order to arrive at the answer you take the original number, multiply its last numeral by two and subtract this answer from the original number minus its last numeral.

Are you people kidding me?

What a complete waste of time.

The other thing you could do, since the above describes how to determine if a large number is divisible by seven or not, is just to divide the damn number by SEVEN!

This is in fourth grade. In second grade you aren't allowed to simply learn how to add the numbers, you need to prove you can do it in pyramid form, in line-graph form and in stick-figure form. All of which were originally meant to be aids to understanding, but have somehow turned into the objective itself.

Adding two numbers together is also wrong, regardless of a correct answer, if you haven't solved it according to the latest mind game that day. Next day, a completely new way. Again, meant to get the kids to THINK, but awfully confusing when they aren't allowed to digest the first way before heading on to the next.

By trying to prove to the whole world that our kids can do EVERYTHING, Germany isn't TEACHING them much of ANYTHING. (Americans learn it one way, the French another, but look look, we're so clever we can do it ALL!)

The smart kids ignore the whole thing. And can.

The rest don't seem to have any idea what is expected of them.

All of which seems to be perfectly fine with the teachers as long as they use rulers to make certain the lines are perfectly straight, and PEN to make it look neater.

Pen. If you take that pen, subtract it from two other pens and then twirl it counter clockwise around in your left hand, well, I think you know where you can stick it!

Fighting for the Prize

Written in response to Fatherhood Freestyle: You Are The Prize. By Dr. Mike McRae

My daughter, Ryan, has been walking to school with Jule and Julia since the first grade. I was so excited to have it work out. It meant that I was "integrated" into the community, that I was a "good" mother doing good mother things, and it freed me up from having to walk her to school in the morning myself.

Integrated, good and free. Me, me, me.

It has never been the best arrangement for Ryan.

Julia is playing with Ryan at our house as I sit here and write this. (Having valiantly tried to eat an American sandwich and soup for dinner.) Jule, on the other hand, has never been anything but rude from day one of first grade. Her mother, Heidi, is an equal bitch. (Jule is too young to be a true bitch and is actually very attractive, intelligent AND clever. She's just had to learn to take care of number one from an early age, poor thing.)

The first two years the three girls walked together, Jule's older sister Maya walked with them. Julia and Ryan would wait outside Jule and Maya's home while they got ready (they were often late) only to have the two of them run on ahead without even a word of greeting. This went on for two years, Julia's mom (Claudia) wanted to kick them out of the group, and I said, "Be nice." Be the bigger person. Don't make waves. BE NICE.

I am so ashamed. What have I been teaching my daughter about her self-worth?

Since the third grade, Jule (and Heidi mostly) have NEEDED us. Since Heidi is raising Jule to be independent and self-sufficient (meaning that she doesn't want to have to be bothered with her), Jule is consistenty late. She also cried when she came too late to the group meeting point and missed the other two girls. "Couldn't the mother help that poor girl get it together in the mornings?" we asked. But again, "be nice" won out. Ryan picks up Julia and then the two of them pick up Jule, still waiting outside in the dark and cold while she gets herself ready.

On the way home, however, when it is not cold and dark, and Jule has other, cooler friends she would rather be with, she leaves Ryan in the dust. She has also been treating her like dirt in school. In December, Ryan was so depressed that I had to have a talk with her teacher. (They don't help much here in Germany; the kids are supposed to work it out for themselves. Mobbing is huge and kids learn to take care of themselves first.)

Yesterday, when Ryan told me she had had to walk home alone again, enough was enough. I called Heidi and told her it just wasn't working out. One of the problems, besides the basic lack of respect for me and my child, is that the other two moms in the arrangement have grandparents who pick their daughters up after school a couple of times a week. That leaves Ryan with only one of them to walk home with. It also means they really don't need me, and my daughter, in the afternoons the way they do in the mornings.

I've been bending over backwards to "be nice" and to "fit in", but where is the concern for my needs? Or for Ryan's self-respect?

I'm very disappointed that my friend Claudia, Julia's mom, has decided to continue the arrangement with Heidi and Jule. All along, she has been telling me I was right and that she would stand by me, and by Ryan, in our decision. But when it came to direct confrontation today, she copped out. She tried to get me to compromise myself - and worse, my daughter, yet again. It has been almost FOUR YEARS. "But can't we just at least keep the morning arrangement going?" What, my daughter is good enough to pick everyone up at 7AM but not good enough for the afternoons when they don't need her anymore? "But isn't Ryan going to feel left out?" Well, she's feeling pretty left out already, every single goddamn afternoon.

The real feel good ending would be if Jule and Heidi got kicked out of the arrangement, had to learn a lesson, and became better human beings. It's the one I was hoping for. The real world ending leaves me driving Ryan to and from school alone and the other two moms trying to work it out. Noone is very happy with this arrangement either - including Ryan who likes walking to school with her "friends."

What am I teaching Ryan about friendship, though, if I allow this to continue? It's been too long already. "But Jule is nice to me if Julia is there." says Ryan optimistically. "Sometimes she is nice to me." She is thrilled with any crumb that is thrown at her.

I've taught my daughter to be nice (in a country that really isn't big into being nice to others).

It's time I taught her about what's right and wrong. (Integrating and fitting into into a system isn't all so great if that system is WRONG. And there, I have said it.)

And it is WAY PAST TIME I taught her self-worth. She is the prize.

Third Grade Math Part Five: Ehrgeiz Scenario

Ehrgeiz is one of those funny German words that seems to mean different things depending on the context in which it is used. It stems from two words, Ehre meaning honor and Geiz meaning stinginess or miserliness. Honor stinginess.

Directly translated into English it means ambition.

Although you want your child to HAVE Ehrgeiz or ambition, you do not want him or her to BE ehrgeizig or ambitious. Maybe it's the same in English, I don't know anymore. Frankly, I've never had to worry about it, having only heard the terms bandied about, mostly in a derogatory fashion, by mothers complaining about other mothers.

Neither Ryan nor Andrew have ever been accused of being ambitious.

I much prefer the terms friendly, courteous and just plain nice. Happy maybe? All of which DO have German equivalents which aren't worth translating because they don't hold the same amount of weight in general German society as they do with me. (Which isn't to say that NO Germans rate them highly, any friend of mine does, but only to say that the society as a whole doesn't emphasize their value to the degree that I would like.)

In the interests of offending noone, I seem to have lost everyone. Let me start over.

Watching Ryan and her friend Caroline riding on Saturday, I had a chance to talk to their teacher and comment on how well I thought they both were doing. I was very careful in my phrasing, carefully riding the line between proud mother (okay in moderation) and ambitious mother. I went so far as to mention - and give credit to - the program and instruction and not just to the children themselves. It really is incredible; I was not riding this well after two years of instruction. I mean, these two girls were RIDING the horses, in a canter, doing figure eights around the ring, not merely sitting in the saddle and wishing the horse might just do what they were hoping it would. (That was - and sometimes still is - my method of riding.)

"Well those two girls are really talented." the teacher replied. "It's a pleasure to teach them because they are able to take my instructions and apply them immediately." "YAY!" my inner voice cried out. "My daughter is TALENTED." Peace descended upon me, validation and fulfillment. But I had seen it too, in both of them, the previous week. At the ages of 9 and 10 they are able to take instructions and further their riding skills. I know from experience that you can HEAR the instructions, WANT to follow the instructions, believe you ARE following the instructions, and still just not get it. It's not that easy in any sport, but especially in a sport where you are dealing with the will of the horse in addition to your own.

The riding teacher continued. "Ryan has a lot of self-confidence and determination. The most amazing thing is her ambition to succeed." Hold up a moment? Rewind. Ehrgeiz? Did I hear that right? MY CHILD has Ehrgeiz? To hell with third grade math, she should be spending more time at the barn.

I've been learning how to rein in my own ambitions for Ryan recently. Since the German education system is so competitive at an early age, many parents with dreams of college for an academically challenged child choose to have the child repeat third grade. The decision on whether the child enters the university or trade school track is made in fourth grade. Just after Ryan turns 10.

Although none of Ryan's teachers recommended having her repeat the third grade - they all feel she is unfocused rather than unable - the system still allows me to decide if I would like to have her repeat it. And I'd toyed with the idea of giving her more time to absorb and understand the information. Had the system of teaching been different, had Ryan been given a chance to properly absorb and better understand the information I would have considered it. The problem is the system here presents the material quickly, with very little review. It's just too quick, with not enough repetition, for Ryan. I saw no sense in repeating the same speedy merry-go-round twice only because I want Ryan to go to college.

So there it was. Should Ryan repeat third grade? For her benefit or for my Ehrgeiz?

We've made a deal, Ryan and I. If she does well in the fourth grade - and by well I mean maintaining a C average - she will be allowed to ride two times a week as a Christmas present. (Let's face it, the kid doesn't need any more plastic horse figurines.) I haven't given up on the academics; I've just changed the focus from achievement to learning. And I'm not pushing the riding; I'm just helping her develop the strengths she does have. Self-confidence and determination. If she can't find them in the classroom then she'll find them in the ring.

Growing awareness. Changing expectations. Acceptance. I've always loved Ryan; maybe I'm finally beginning to know her too.

And although I still have moments when I'm fairly certain the fairies sent her, I know that I'm her mother; I just want her to be happy.